How do you get him to take the next step without scaring him off? It's not as hard as you may think...
Let's say the two of you have been dating for a while, and things are going well. REALLY well. Like, you're already picking out the names of your future children in your head (Dana and Carl). There's only one problem: you have no idea if the two of you are official, or are even heading in that direction. So what's a girl to do? The first step is to take inventory of the situation. How long have the two of you been together?
Are we talking weeks, months, or years? How much time do the two you spend together when you hang out? There's no hard and fast rule for these things, but if you've been dating (and I'm talking legitimate dates, not drunken hookups) for more than two months where you see each other at least once a week, it's probably time to consider taking the next step. Now it's time to think about why this conversation hasn't been initiated already. There are really only two options here: either he's shy, or he doesn't want to get into a seriously relationship with you and thinks he can get away with this casual stuff.
Option 1 is acceptable and cute, Option 2 is neither of those things. Now, there are plenty of good reasons as to why a guy might not want to get into a serious relationship that has very little to do with you-- maybe he recently ended another serious relationship, maybe things are very busy at work, or maybe there's some serious family problem going on that he wants to protect you from. The thing is, if these things are really going on in his life and aren't just excuses, he shouldn't be dating-- he should be in his therapist's office dealing with them head-on. Far too often guys use these life events as ways to rationalize their bad behavior, and you don't have the time to put up with that. So how do you differentiate between the guy who won't commit and the guy who will once he gets over his shyness? You're going to have to get him to think about what it would mean to be with you more seriously, either by talking to him about it directly or beating around the bush.
Direct communication is always a good idea, especially because you'll need to work on your communication countless other times with this guy if you do end up getting in a serious relationship. But if the old, "So what's going on between us?" seems a little to scary, you can try these hints that he may or may not pick up on: -Go away on a business trip or a vacation with your girlfriend to show him what life would be like without you in the picture -Casually start talking about your friend "Ted" from way back who just so happens to be in town. Make sure you actually have a friend named Ted, or you could be caught in an embarrassing lie -Start referring to him as your boyfriend in front of other people and see if he objects -Talk about your life plans that may or may not include moving to Belgium Eventually you're going to have to have a good-old-fashioned "define the relationship" talk, so if you don't do it straight off the bat, DEFINITELY do it after you've dropped your hints with little to no response.
Find a time to talk to him when both of you are feeling relaxed and low-key, and tell him that you've really been enjoying your time together and want to know if he's interested in making things a little more exclusive. Try not to get overly emotional or give him an ultimatum before you've gauged his response-- those are big red flags that may make him panic. If it turns out that he's the type of guy who has no plans commit, gives you a crappy excuse, or says he just wants to keep things casual, move on.
Don't waste your energy, because this guy will never commit! If you have some suggestions that have worked for you...drop us a line here at AskMattandTamsen.com
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10 Comments
Karissa
June 18, 2008
I Like this lil article but the only problem I have with it is, it seems like it is focusing more on going from dating to a relationship. What about the relationships going to the engagement/marriage? My bf and I have been together for 4 years, and no rings, we live together and have for almost a year and a half. But what about getting him to commit to the next level?
Jacquelyn
July 08, 2008
Amen....I’ve got the fiance...now how do I get him down the alter?
Tara
July 10, 2008
To Jacquelyn-
Pick a wedding date and ‘run it by’ him. If he doesn’t object, then, it’s set! If he does, then, move the date to something that works for both of you.
lucy
July 21, 2008
I have been dating this guy for 5 years and still no ring no talk of marriage nothing..should i get out of it or should i wait longer sents I have 5 years in this.
jnyou1
February 15, 2009
Good Information, It makes sense..think about it men do this to us and we freak and become clingy. Do it like this and he will want to marry you.
Karen
July 24, 2009
I have lived with my boyfriend for 3 years. He has even bought the rings, but I don’t have them! Should I start questioning things? Starting to feel like he is saving them for someone else!
Camile
August 12, 2009
5 years? Get out!
Jaded no more
August 16, 2009
I had a friend for 8 years, that turned into a 7 year relationship, and then poof, gone. Not even able to speak to each other for 2 years after our massive talk. I was heartbroken and lost… Even had to seek therapy. Exactly 2 years and one day after our break up, we started talking again. We’ve been back on our old track for 8 months now. You have to decide if that’s what you want. I’m much happier with him than without him, and you don’t need to be married to be in a loving monogamous relationship. Decide, can you live without him or not? If he’s afraid of marriage, it may be due to a parental divorce, etc. you know. It might not be all his fault.
sarah
November 20, 2009
ok so someone help i been “talking” i guess you would call it with this guy for over a year we act as if we where a couple but where not “offical”. . .he noes how i feel an i no how he feels i mean its deep we even say i love you to each other. . what can i do to make it so that in public i can say “yes hes my boyfriend”
The only suggestion I have was stated in this article if he gives a crappy excuse why he doesn’t want commit move on.
I just had the “define our relationship talk” this past Monday. I’ve known this guy for 3 years and recently started dating him four months ago.
We spend a respectable amount of time with each other and talk on a daily basis. When I asked him to define things between us he gave a pretty vague answer.
He said we’re friends,lover uh getting to know each other etc...even asked that I repeat the question duh!
Because Mr. “uh could you repeat the question” couldn’t answer my question I’ve decided to move forward and I feel good about my decision.